Kendra got pregnant her Senior year in high school and knows just how hard it is to be a teen mother. She has vowed to do whatever she can to prevent this from happening to others, and will be sharing her journal entries on this site. Read more about Kendra.
Week 6
One of my new year’s resolutions is to leave everyone alone who doesn’t mean me well. All through 2008 people have claimed to have my best interest at heart and they really didn’t. People are going to start hating me because I’m going to be done with most of them. I hate asking people for help, but when I have to swallow my pride and ask people for help they just shit on my like I’m nobody. Everyone is always quick to ask me for things, whether its money or whatever. I’m never one to hesitate. But it’s okay though. I’ve been deleting numbers out of my phone and ignoring people. This is another difficult time in my life. I don’t have a job which is rough already, but I also haven’t had any food lately. Some days I go all day without eating. I had just a can of beans left in my cabinet but did not eat it because I knew my daughter had to eat. People have been constantly lying to me or if I need something, they expect things in return. People owe me money from months ago and I still haven’t gotten it. They are not worried because they have what they need. I’m trying to be strong for my daughter and it’s becoming more difficult. I have to worry about the rent, my phone bill, electric, plus worry about how I’m going to get food and make sure she is taken care of. I’m so stressed out and I don’t have anywhere to go where I can just relax and take my mind off of everything. I’m trying not to take my anger out on my daughter because it’s not her fault. With the holidays it’s been even worse. People are going to see though. I’m going to shit on everybody. They are not going to know what hit them. All the people who though they was going to shit on me I’m about to turn right back and around and shit on them. I’m sick of everyone doing me bogus in my time of need so whoever has not been there for me, they will not be hearing from me ever again. 2009 is year where I’m letting people go. So whoever was mean to me or just plain bogus in 2008 better not call me because they will hear a mouthful and a dial tone right after.
Week 5
Sitting here daydreaming, daydreaming bout the future. What does it hold for me? Where will I stand? Daydreaming bout my daughter. How things will change so much in the next few years. What will the music be like, who will be the President? The most important of all I think, is what will the boys be like? They are smooth talkers right now, but how smooth will they be? How easy will it be to make a baby and not take care of it? Who will my daughter listen to? Will she listen to the guys or me? Me or the guys? Daydreaming bout her being a mother after she has accomplished her goals in life. Daydreaming bout her not struggling like she has seen me do time and time again. All I know for sure is that I will do my best to give her the love and support she needs. I will never let her give up. Try my best to give her a better life than what I had. Daydreaming…one day I won’t have to…have to daydream.
Week 4
Every time I think something starts to go right for me, I hit another road block. I’m finally going back to school after two years of being out and it’s getting really frustrating. The school seems lit it’s so behind, or just plain slow. I finally take my accuplacer test and go see a counselor, just to get more frustrated. I think I did a good job on my test and the counselor says my scores might not be enough. I guess they’re raising the requirements to get into registered nurse. Wow! Another set back, what a surprise…So the counselor told me to come back the beginning of the next week to talk to a nursing counselor. So I went and the nursing counselor said my scores should be enough to get into the program. Now I feel I accomplished something. But wait…something else. I have to wait 2 to 3 weeks to receive a letter in the mail telling me to come to talk to a counselor. So it’s like I have to do this all over again just to get into a program that I like. All of this is really stressing me out. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I’m moving one step forward, but something always pushes me two steps back. I would love to be in a career that I enjoy and especially make money in it. It just seems like the harder kids dream, the farther their dreams get pushed away; pushed away by society or by stupid little requirements that just makes it harder. When people want to get an education it’s like you have to go through so much to get it…when will things change?? How will they change?
Week 3
Today was another jacked up day. The first of the month keeps inching closer and my daughter’s birthday is also coming up. I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna pay the rent on the first and also give Janiya a birthday party. I never had a party growing up and when I did have one, I was sixteen. I wanna make sure my daughter has everything I never had. So I try to come into work with a positive attitude and as soon as I walk in, I already wanna go home. All week I haven’t got sent home and I finally think I’m gonna get my attendance bonus. Well 7 o’clock comes and I get sent home for not making enough sales. There goes my bonus down the drain and it’s not like I was late or didn’t show up. It’s not my fault people don’t want to give donations. That would have been an extra $39. Then I go to my mom’s house to pick up Janiya and check my e-mail. There is an e-mail from a bank telling me to call to schedule an interview. Finally things are looking up!! So the next day I called, but the lady didn’t pick up, so I left a message. The next day I didn’t get a phone call so I called again. Again no one picked up and I left another message. So the next day I go to check my e-mail and there is one from the bank. I read it and it says not only are they not gonna hire me, but they aren’t gonna hire anyone for the position. What a bunch of bull. Now I’m really upset because I thought finally I would get out of my crappy job just to realize that I’m really not. I don’t know how much longer I can take it at this job. Who knows, maybe things will start looking up for me…
Week 2
Today has been a horrible day. I woke up at 6 in the morning to go get energy assistance to help pay my energy bill. I got the baby up with me and got her ready and then we left. We left at about 6:45 a.m. and walked the 3 blocks to the bus stop. We didn’t have breakfast so we were both cranky. We got off the bus and had to walk another two blocks. When I rounded the corner it was already a long line. It wasn’t that long though so I thought I would be okay. Well we waited in line for about an hour and a half before they opened their doors. Now at this time Janiya is acting up. She’s tired of sitting in her stroller, she hasn’t had anything to eat and she’s just tired all together. Well the people come out to open the doors and say they’re only helping 25 people today…What!?!?!? After all that time we were standing there, they waited until they opened up to tell us. They saw us standing out there. So I went back home on the bus and fed Janiya and got a little more sleep. About an hour more. I got Janiya back dressed and walked the 10 or so blocks to my mom’s hose so I can go to work. I still don’t have daycare so I pay my sister or brother to watch Janiya while I’m at work. Then it’s off to work on the bus. It’s one bus, but it takes about 45 minutes to get to work. I work at a crappy telemarketing job for $6.50/hour. So I made only one sale tonight which wasn’t enough so I got sent home. My check is barely over $200 a week so me getting sent home makes it less than what it should be. That’s more stress added on to what I already have. So I get off, go back to my mom’s on the bus to get Janiya. Then I caught the bus back home to do it all over again the next day. Yah!!
Week 1
Swallowed, swallowed into this deep, dark hole. I can’t see. There’s no where to run, no where to hide. No one can find me. I can’t find myself, spinning, constantly spinning around trying to find my way. Which way is the right way? I can’t get out. I’m crying, don’t know what to do. Someone help. I scream, no one can hear me. I sit, sit and think why am I here? Why can’t I leave? What is the purpose? I blink; I blink again and again trying to see if it’s real. I realize I put myself here, but I don’t know how to get out. I try to think of something happy but only darkness is what pops in. Think, think I tell myself. Come out of this darkness, out of this hole. “Live and be happy,” I yell. I yell and keep yelling until I have no more. I’m panting and panting trying to breathe. I look up and see a light, a small light sort of begging me to come near. I walk and walk with determination, ready to face what’s at the end of the light; I’m so near, but yet so far. I reach out towards it and a hand appears. I step out and realize that it’s just me here. The darkness was in me trying to take over. I can’t let it happen, I won’t let it happen. I will always find the light, the light that resides in me. The darkness will never win…